My Marital Bliss (FTD POST)

Howdy interweb readers and welcome to the great, wild and wanky world of FTD!  As my spouse is consumed with necessary html, javas and mac-book thingo’s tonight, I believed that I’d take this chance to guide you on a grand tour of cheap-thrills, saucy journey and bloggedy weblog excitements.

So…sit again, steadiness the ‘ole laptop computer, ipad or different wi-fi machine on yer guts, get a pleasant huge bag o chips, a Pepsi Max, moist towelette and many others and many others and READ ON…

For TODAY the subject of alternative is:

Crazy issues that First Time Mom does to PISS me off!


Now…earlier than I start to disclose private particulars, traits and different nuggets of data NOT normally meant for these exterior our sphere of family and friends, enable me to current this disclaimer:

Honey, I Love you!

You know that I like you. You are the mom of our AWESOME youngster and also you alone make me pleased when skies are gray! You are an exquisite, caring, giving, clever particular person and I sit up for the subsequent 50 years or so by your aspect!  

Ok (phew)!

People…FTM is superior BUT generally shows weird and downright loopy tendencies that drive me up the freakin wall.  I’m positive everybody has their very own funky little traits that grind away at their companions, household, workmates and pals however I reckon FTM is a CHAMPION of CRAZINESS! Here are a couple of ways in which my spouse manages to PISS ME OFF!

STEAMY SHOWERS – Summer, winter – no matter!  FTM has an ordinary bathtime routine.  Turn OFF the exhaust fan, shut the door, flip the bathe on to SCALDING HOT and watch for the steam to construct up.  When the moist fog begins billowing out of the crack within the door then she’s IN for a superb 30 minutes – the lavatory then stays misty for a superb few hours after.  SO WHAT chances are you’ll ask!? Well…we solely have one toilet and I eat quite a lot of Mexican meals!  Have YOU ever tried to take a dump in a sauna?  You’re arse slides about on the seat, the bathroom paper melts within the hand, the sweat drips down your again (into the crack) – DRIVES ME NUTS! ANNOYING SCORE = 8/10

STRAWS – FTM is hardly seen about city with out a Gallon of Sweet Tea, Iced water, decaffeinated espresso or juice in her hand.  She has an superior array of plastic mega-cups, the gathering so enormous that it warrants it is personal cabinet.  My concern will not be the cups however the bloody straws.  STRAWS…all over the place…luggage of multicoloured plastic shitty straws.  My principal grievance is that when she comes house, she dumps the beverage dregs within the kitchen sink INCLUDING THE STRAWS!  Why do you set ’em within the sink? Do you need me to clean them? Put them within the TRASH! ANNOYING SCORE = 6/10

IPHONE – WHO provides their $600+ new iPhone to their child to play with? FTM – that is who! Not solely Ollie however each niece, nephew and neighbourhood child! Suck on the tip – NO Problems. Delete a couple of apps…why not? Use the automobile keys as a makeshift stylus and scratch your approach about “angry birds” – Sure!. ARRRRRGGGHHHH! ANNOYING SCORE = 7/10

MISSING CLOTHES – Where’s my shorts? Where the HELL are my socks? GONE AGAIN! FTM has a ardour for extremely clear clothes.  If I put on one thing for an hour or so to go to the retailers you may guess that, on return house, I’ll be stripped down and they are going to be neatly folded on the underside of the clothes-basket, prepared for the rattling washer.  It’s reached that time that I’ve to stash piles of once-worn socks, jocks and T-shirts so they do not get washed each few days! EXCESSIVE! ANNOYING SCORE = 8/10

CAR PARKING – One great factor about residing in America are the VAST carparking heaps hooked up to procuring malls. In Australia, it is not unusual to drive round for 15 minutes solely to get a park 10 minutes away from the shop (should you’re fortunate!).  Why then do you suppose that FTM will ONLY park inside 5 bays of the bloody entrance entrance. I SHIT YOU NOT!  She is OCD with parking.  If we won’t get an in depth park then it is a BUST and we go some other place.  INSANITY! ANNOYING SCORE = 9/10

FRIDGE WARS – This one is straightforward…my stuff (that’s used day by day) sits on the VERY again of the fridge.  Her stuff (used sometimes), takes up the prime real-estate on the entrance.  FTM would not like hot-dogs so that they go on the again.  Processed cheese = again!  Baloney = VERY BACK! Organic tofu, used as soon as per week – FRONT!  Nothing worse than making an attempt to succeed in by packets of “whole foods” branded black-beans, $5 natural milk and wads of BORING celery to get to my wonderful “Kroger deli” potato salad! YUM !!! RIDICULOUS! ANNOYING SCORE – 7/10

POT-HOLE WARRIOR – FTM has a sure ability…a mind-boggling expertise to in some way uncover EVERY POT-HOLE in ANY highway in ANY a part of the world.  If there is a gap within the highway then she WILL discover it and fortunately drive them tires DEEP! She gonna MURDER that HOLE! “Watch out..pot-hole” says me! “I see It!” says she! FTM adjusts the steering and BAM! “wheww…that was close…thought you’d miss that one!”  Yep I’m critical! NUT-WRENCHING! ANNOYING SCORE = 10/10

Anyways readers…you get the thought! Plenty extra the place that got here from too however I do not actually wanna sleep within the automobile tonight in order that’s all you get for the second!

What about you lot? Any loopy shenanigans that drive your associate to the WHACKO-FARM? Comment or eternally maintain your peace!